sighz. shld be doing my phy s paper now.. but im onlining n pouring out my greivances instead.. actually not much about the mct results.. i m not exactly affected by my mct results.. cuz except for chem. i maintained my promos standard which is quite desirable.. i got 56% for chem wor.. v low huh? but i din really get bothered over it. cuz i knew y i got this low.. not tt i dun understand concepts.. is juz tt exam stress got me all screwed up.. din finish most of the paper.. haha..

my phy.. hmm 77% v high worz i tink la. satisfied. 76% for maths? i actually tot i wld score lower considering i missed out so many qns? hmm actually dunno lehz.. my frenz arnd me din score v well. feel sad for them thou. but really hope they can noe wad went wrong at least will feel better tt wae i tink.. hmm cuz tts wad happened to my chem? investigate y i screwed up.. haha..

was tinking of dropping s papers.. cuz s papers would mean taking up recreation time. shld i be selfish to cont recreation n drop s papers or shld i be a challenger n take up the challenge.. i believe i can cope stress but i dun tink my body allows me to.. i tink i give myself too much stress unduly. my head is spinning since dunno when.. since mct.. its a tragedy..

i tink frenz are really emotional pillars.. i haven cry since the mct n usu i cry after every stressful event? hmm.. all piling inside bah. yin yue ri ji is starting soon.. hope todae is real sad story lemme cry bah. dunno. i miss him. idunno y . i m falling in too deeply. i dun wan. i wun hav the time for this kind of things to bother me.. rahz.! help me!.. n why din he go maths s todae? dun tell me he dropping hor.. at least his presence constitute a teeny weeny bit of reason for looking forward towards s paper session. n going home.. yinjie canno longeraccompany me le..hai..


:: wo xiang ku dan you ku bu chu lai ::

woah.. theres a lot in my brain that i wanna sae.. hmmz..
i juz finished thermochem tutorial..wasnt v taxing cuz i only left 1 qn n mcq to touch up.. the dumbest ( is there such a word?) thing is that i took 1.5 hrs to finish 4 probability qn? hmm do u call tt dumb or perseverance? n theres still phy s assignment..

evening.. i watched darren n evelyn's wedding special prog.. both of them were so sweet n loving.. n it made me so touched that theres such a good guy like darren around and tt evelyn is so blessed.. i wished them forever bliss.. thou i dunno them personally la. but it got me kind of jealous tt there r so loving? haha .. cuz seldom couples are like themm.. n den i msg lj n yj to tell them i was sweetened after watching the show.. but only yj replied.. guess it was too lame le.. n.. hmm i even changed my hp profile to "sweetener".. haha wads that for? i also dunno..

oh.. dat sms lead me to a series of sms chat with yj while doing my probability qns.. she said.. isnt love supposed to be beautiful? but y does it turn out to be miserable for the both of us till now? hmm.. this is wad i said to her: love is beautiful but it need not neccessary and alwaes be beautiful.. it has its tribulations and has its ups and down.. maybe the time for us hasnt come? juz wait bah.. (omg. wad if the time doesnt come? choy!) yepz. n i felt so dejected about the probability qns cuz i cant do them.. den i remembered abt eric and fen ru.. i admire them? i tink they r xingfu.. cuz eric is charming i tink.. hmm n ya. to this context..he can alwaes teach her.. tuition her.. haha.. n den yj replied.. y not i ask jeff teach me? haah NO WAY!.. no way m i going to ask him out of the blue to teach me.. cuz i m close enough with him to ask him to teach me this n tt.. furthermore.. i dun dare? haha so probability = 0 ? (oh dear!)

n ya.. i tied a red scrunchie to school today.. hmm.. it was supposed to be good luck for me.. for my results.. so i tink i m using it for the whole of this wk le? haha cuz it seems useful.. as in i dint scored as lan as i tot? thou is juz mcq part but already quite encouraging le.. n i din fail my qa design.. haha.. 11/20.. wads the diff man bwtn 0 and 11 n 20? hmm haha.. 2 marks diff only loz.. haha

oh.. enuff abt today.. abt ydae? hmm.. went orchard instead of vch cuz weileong made a blunder? dramatic effect then.. nothing pretty much ydae.. juz tt i can sense "cheekiness" out of weileong the whole trip.. wasnt exactly v comfortable.. nothing pretty much happen juz tt i got to learn how to play pool unsuccessfully? all i can sae was, i realised a diverse in his n my life.


:: biodiversity creates wonder.. diversity in life creates undesirable gaps ::

i ve got lots of things to sae for tonite.. but i guess i shall wait till tmr.. cuz its really too late now.
tmr hope results dun turn out too bad. i have a question to ask: do pple need to have same background to get together? i tink yes.. conventionally bah..
byebye


:: i sat on the other side of the bus today. wad does it mean.. something wrong i tink::

i din blog ydae nite.. din noe y.. all i know was tt i was busy with playing some game that yuanting recommended.. wasnt exactly fun cuz ermz. i din really get the meaning of the game.. n there was 10 msn windows going on at all.. haha too fast too luan too many.. i din manage to catch most of them.. so i dun really participating in a mass conversation.. b4 i can noe wads going on.. den everything scroll up le.. haha one to 1 or 2 or 3 is still better.. 11 participants? oh my!!! haha.. n that weileong keep saying i m lagging n tt i dun wan reply.. the truth is i dun like mass windows.. haha but if i really dun hav to do anything else that day.. i will still juz stare in the window see wad other pple are saying.. not exactly enthu in making any comments actually ~ tao kia..
hmm.. joyce told me ydae nite jeff is going to the swiss cottage concert worz. surprisingly i tot he is alwaes so stingy n i tot i remembered him saying he dun go to concert unless somebody treats him? maybe he is really too bored after exams le n i can imagine him playing the ps for the whole dae and yet when onling still can play till 1.. dun understand guys.. wads so nice about ps.. haha.. wads so nice about gunbound.. gunbound still alrite.. haha juz tt i nvr go play and i m still at the lowest level? haha..lijuan enjoys it thou cuz ermz. haha cody is playing mah.. can understand la~
today is so sian.. wanted to do some exercise today but turn out nobody really free with me to go cycling? so sianz.. n i have to stay at home loz. thinking of wad to buy for jianxin and yaya.. haha yinjie feel so left out now she saes.. she saes yaya n jianxin alwaes togetherz.. hmm.. dunno i ve nvr been in a relationship yet.. dunno how it feels like if i stay with him all dae go out everyday.. hmm.. yinjie saes it isnt really positive to stick with ur stead all the time.. i tink so too.. hrmz. if i find a lover.. he mus be independent.. i can exactly stand somebody everyday every second be with me.. haha tts wad i tink for now.. maybe next time i hav one.. den i ll tink differently? dunnoz.
okie.. maybe i will online tonite maybe i ll not.. fan zhen online actually nothing to do actually.. juz chat n crap loz.. its juz tt i dun have a book for me to read.. otherwise i ll really wanna read a book.. hmmz.. maybe i shld go library now.. go popular update my stock.. hahah.. off i go.. ps. maybe i will meet yuxin n joyce at tam interchange.. since i tink they r there n ermz eating their lunch? haha.. byebye..

:: yearning is painful but at least u have something to look forward to ::

Today its the day i have been waitng for for the past few weeks-- the end of torture the end of insufficient sleep the end of mugging (temporarily) the end of MCT. but i am not yahoo-ing simply because i screwed up everything.
Can u believe it? i missed out one whole page of physics data analysis question so careless so dumbheaded of me! Maths.. hmm.. maybe too concentrated on doing fast so i missed out many parts of question also.. i din allow myself to make any blunder on bio.. but the paper was difficult.. no difference afterall? Chemistry was the worse.. wad i did was wrong and wad i din do is confirm zero marks.. totalling them up i begin wondering can i even pass my chem paper.. For the 1st time i m beginning to tink that maybe my GP can get higher den chem worz. (sobx)
People keep telling me.. i keep telling myself to accept failures. yep i know that.. but its miserable still! they sae i should be celebrating that it has ended.. but its the start to my misery? how to celebrate when its the case.. i can still feel my heart sank/sinking.. for 2nd time in my life.. its really sinking i can feel it.. 1st time was during sec2 when we have to be separated from each other into different sec 3 klasses.. now its the 2ndtime.. i have nvr did so badly for any exams b4.. haiz. so drastic a diffference.. frm AAAB to not even an A now? the most confident A frm maths is already not secured now.. will teachers ask me y?
Before i allow that i shall ask myself that.. is it because i haven been studying hard? maybe too late start le.. but i forgot all wad i studied beforehand.. so no use.. i guess the main reason is exam stress bah.. i haven been feeling headache since monday till now.. is no normal headache is not migraine.. but is stress tension headache.. i cant tink with tt n den i ll have to eat medicine.. i have been eating one of those pills every dae.. die le.. i shld destress but stress is also not i wan one mah.. nvr study finsih or study too long i also stress.. hmm.. ormaybe i slept too little? cuz i have been sleeping like for 4 hrs or 5 hrs everyday? or is exam stress? The chem paper seemed so stranger when i stared at it.. i blanked out!..
okie.. enuff of those grievances.. tmr celebraing lijuan's birthday.. followed by beeshin's birthdae den jianxin n yaya.. den sun need go watch concert.. no money le.. bankrupt le.. heng i bout the drama recall le otherwise i wun hav the finance now..
jiayou to myself k..

:: i need support i need a hug juz like temple need a shrine::

haha... gave my blog a face-lift.. at least i tink it looks like its having "more stuff" now.. =) The colour scheme is grey basically.. a colour usu forgotten my people.. but hu cares.. as long as it is remembered by me.. p.s my taskbar is even grey=) but certainly.. my life is not grey.. in fact i hope for a colourful world and life.. =)

i went school studying again.. its been 3 days in a row and tomorrow i not going le.. not because school isnt nice but i have to pass lijuan's compre to her at tampines west cc.. hope tmr's a productive day.. n lemme forward time.. a week from now.. i will be so happy doing anything i like.. slack as i want... and play and sleep as i want.. an ideal lifestyle in my mind rite now.. esp when it is plagued by stress of studies.. studies is fun but without exams i feel.. but without exams .. who will revise them? who will actaully give extra attention and credit to them.. its life.. exams .. yet neccessary yet mind-bogging..

oh ya.. those who have been studying with me or at least spent this few daes with me have heard me saying about me getting dylexsia.. oh my this isnt exactly desirable.. but i do spell things wrongly.. forward my thinking without writing as fast as i tink.. in short: my brains works faster den my hands! no good ar!.. or else u will have to read my "dlog" le..

hope tmr's a better day! :: show your love ::

I am feeling weird..~

Went for ida scholarship seminar today.. about 40++ turned up today.. they referred us to the cream of the crop.. m i really part of the cream? or did i juz hun(4) in? sometimes i juz wonder.. i m studying well.. but does my qualities allow me to be cream of the crop? i mean i struggle to tok infrnt of a large group of pple n i struggle toking to a stranger.. in short i m an introvert.. how do i change? change to someone who is able to talk so proudly and confidently in front of many.. if not. how am i going to survive the corporate world? this is one question in my mind of long and this is one that is popping up today for umpteen times..

i dint study much today.. sad.. sobx. only alcohol n carbonyl.. so later i going to study carboxylic acids and derivative? is it too ambitious? cuz i m really lagging.. cuz by tmr i shld be starting bio? n i haven finish chem yet? should i abandon my chem? no i shldnt tmr shall be the last day touching chem bah.. n tmr i going to sch study hope will be v efficient..

Today turned out to be an unproductive day.. dint do much.. juz alkenes alkanes and half of ionic equilibrium.. so y m i here slacking away? stress is piling over and yet i am so indifferent about it? shouldnt be the case.. i should be motivated to work hard huh? i must and i should be...

i shall not online for very long periods of time all the way till mct? i really hope i can achieve this target...cuz i m suddenly feeling super dupa stressed now.. something to alleviate my stress? jiayou..if i wanna make a difference.. n i wanna cont my s paper de even thou its taking up my time for recreation. but since our seniors can do it.. we can do!

hmm.. today went ahs for "video shooting" to send our regards to jingjing.. apparently it wasnt a video recording, instead its a photo shooting session.. quite lame actually.. nobody turned up except lijuan joyce yuxin janet vic n me.. n janet did a cardfor jingjing.. quite thoughtful of her actually.. so actually everytime we try to leave her out of anything i will feel guilty lar.. but thinking of those times our frequency really dun match.. i really dun even want to try matching.. naughty har.

well.. lijuan promised to show me something online tonight.. she promised to show me her conversation with joyce and weiliang ydae night.. it was aboutme.. (well otherwise y would i want to know).. they were speculating if jeffery and i were together.. haha.. how on earth did they arrive at such a conclusion.. and poor lijuan.. have to be their spy and yet at the same time have to help me to keep things from them.. a commander on one side and a general on the other side.. haha.. sounds so interesting and exciting right.. but well.. how did they guess that i like him.. oh well.. how did they tink we r together? is it because i keep mentioning his name? too obvious m i? dunno.. but well.. its kind of "pressure-less" to mention him infront of him b4 i knew they guessed it.. but now..i am not too sure about it leh.. just like today's lunch at long john.. when i mentioned it.. they kept so quiet loz. like so sudden.. sudden till i felt something was wrong and so asked lijuan about it later.. and indeed something was amiss lah.. they had guessedit... was it good? m i feeling good about this? well.. it just means i have to say less about him infront of them in the future le... and was surprises me is that rachel and weileong also knows about it~ oh my~ y does so many pple know? if jeffery gets to know this.. where am i going to hide? well .. juz hope he feels the same way..geez.. (wake up, daydreamer!)

yep... its march common test .. hmm less almost a week away.. i must really start on my engine and start studying esp my va and qa planning has cropped up.. jiayou to myself


:: let life shine from within, make a difference while you can ::

I went to visit Joyce's blog just now and found out it was so well-established.. unlike mine? mine is always unorganised and i realised it is always during i m bored n sad that i choose to write a blog to remember the day.. When will the day ever come when i can write about something happy n sweet n xing fu? Hope that day comes soon though...
Yes i m stressed and not only that i think i m struggling.. People may think this statement is not valid and i dont even have a basis for saying this.. but i do feel i am stressed.. Why? i tink is myself giving myself stress.. I think i m so used to having good grades and better understanding of topics and completion of tutorials as compared to my peers.. and once the S paper assigments sets in, it meant more work for me and less time for the normal tutorials.. N i m lagging terribly now? or m i not? i really dont know. i cant stand or should i say i dun like the feeling of me losing out to my peers in test or etc.. like for example.. normal assigments. i know this kind of mindset is totally wrong.. and i have to learn to accept failures n i really will try... after all it does me good too..
i am really feeling very tired and worn out now. reminds me that i should go offline and either go to sleep or study my chem equ.. cuz MCT is only 1 wk away! jiayou myself!



War does not determine who's right. it determines hu's wrong.

Today we had our 1st part of out MCT.. it was a total freaked out.. i dint even know how to do the QA.. guess it was a mis interpretation of question on my part.. n its so difficult to get the reagents n oberservations and deductions in my head.. as for the VA.. maybe i was careless ba.. seldom.. haiz.. but beeshin saes for every haiz.. an angel will fall frm the sky.. hmm.. n went to buy joyce present todae...
was a necklace.. quite a normal.. but quite cute quite nice .. quite pretty one.. dun mind if i have one of that though.. haha.. no lah. i seldom wear necklace wad.. hmm... bought something for me thou.. even thou i should have punished myself .. n not to go online todae.. but i was hoping for somebody.. hope he onlines soon... b4 i go offline.. chances are slim..
oh ya.. back to wad i bought for myself..
its a cd.. instrumental cd.. "Drama Recall 2003".. wasnt as nice i anticipated it would be... tot it would be very sad.. sad.. n uses piano as the main instrumental..
however it turned out using sax n flute as the main melody.. quite disappointing.. but well.. nvm..
MCT is drawing near.. n i m still slacking.. OMG!. how can this be? i should be working bery hard at this point of time now.. i shldnt be idling around.. but my head hurts.. hurts because of the stress.. hus is giving me stress.. myself? comparing too much with the people around me? the hao sheng mindset? i dunno.. i juz noe tt if everyone tinks too high of me.. i ll be worried about not living up to my expectations.. even thou its not the main cause of stress in me.. but i guess its one of the reasons ba.. confusing..
alright.... it 11.00 pm n he is not online.. shall i wait or shall i not? in a dilemma...

i dunno y.. suddenly feeling quite sad.. alone? everyone around seems to be getting their partner le.. wheres mine? maybe i shldnt be bothered by such things now.. its study time thou it sounds a bit cliche.. haiz.. y .. y do i have to wait n i drop my head in disappointment? y does he say a hi n keep quiet.. do i take the initiative? or do i wait? seems like its a forever waiting thingy.. haiz.. found this song v true.. as recommended to me by andrea..
" maybe i m not so lucky.. yes i must be wishing on someone else's star.. seems like someone else keep getting wad i m wishing for.. yes i must be wishing on someone else's star..."

todae was tj's annual road run.. haha.. legs wanna break le.. but finally its over..n hey .. walking around in bugis in search of the mardi gras booth raw materials was so tedious.. legs really very "sour" really tired..
n today was very nice. i was traumatized by "blud" .. yucks. the mention of him makes me disturbed.. it arent v good.. yucks.. hope yaya n yinjie n lijuan they all dun make fun of me le..
really v disgusting..
i m go n find someone to go protect me.. haha.. J? ahha. kind of impossibel..
sometimes he v nice to me sometimes he doesnt even wan to care about me.. dunno wad he tinking..
haiz.. shant feel very disturbed about this k.. its juz another stupid crush..

today is valentine's day... a normal day for singles yet such a seemingly significant yet not so important days for those who r in love.. some couples are created on this day some disappear this day..how sad to choose such a dae to break a relationship.. do i wish to commit myself to one? do i have the time? most importantly.. hus the other party? nobody i shall say.. sometimes these tings appear insignificant in my life.. but there do are times when i yearn for one.. chemistry doesnt come so easily after all... V-dae i do wish to celebrate it after all...

today.. lijuan's question made me ponder.. she asked: y do this year's vdae seem so different? not that we both have great romantic celebrations on this day.. but rather.. we are bored at home.. it has been like that for the past 17 years of my life.. but y do i feel especailly bored today? my answer to her: friends around us are slowly getting attached.. we do feel "left out" during this day.. or we r in love with somebody n we yearn to go oout with him but he, obviously, hasnt done so... so which is the correct choice? she on the other hand, gave me a much practical answer.. simply todae is Saturday.. a day i need not go school.. a potential day to feel bored.. haha..

okie thatsall.. onlining todae wasnt fun at all.. i shall go do my tutorials.. the loner weeps..(something i saw from a stranger's blog)

Be-yourself day at TJC 2004!! haha.. was a fund-raising day basically... quite fun... even thou nothing much exciting happened.. the day started off with my limping to school in taxi because of my sprained ankle.. den came the assembly.. teachers were "paid" (proceeds go to the Straits Time fund raising thingy) to perform.. ur VP went on her car n sang our school song.. not too bad wor.. even though i can hear shes quite nervous.. well hu doesnt?
Next, we have the pet parade... many dogs... big big ones.. very pretty... well-groomed is the word! aha.. i like the golden retriever n labrador.. maybe when i want to keep a dog when i grow up? when i have a big house probably cuz i tink i like bigger dogs better... most importantly, we din have PE todae. It was fantastic!!!
haha.. quite eventful lehz.. went to physics s-paper sessions(managed to keep lijuan stay back with me haha) n den to the alpha house function..the main attraction was the food lah to be frank.. though not superb.. but as if i m interested in the progs like that..?! went home early b4 the whole ting ends.. cuz i cant stand BLUD, someone whom i suddenly is very irritated disgusted n afraid of.. maybe is because of the colour he wore today.. purple somemore..they sae its a sexually deprived colour.. though i tink it is just some another lame "theory". dunno y.. but he just give me a weird feeling.. er dao.. eee.. but maybe hes still better in tj uniform .. maybe i wun be so disgusted then..
Had a bagful of chocs n sweets.. din prepare anything for my friends this year.. no time lahz.. haha.. but still quite v happy.. imagine so sad if i din receieve anything? haah.. thanks alot to all my friends!!!.. thanks for the chocs even though i tink i have wait quite a well before i can get to eat them, all thanks to my lungs n trachea (btw this was the bio prac that i did today)
haha okie enough crap.. thou my gunbound download hasnt even reach 70% yet.. bye!

this is my first entry... had a busy day today right from the start of the morning.. when ydae dint end gre8t too... my SAT results if u wan to noe y.. wasnt v li xiang.. esp when all others had higher den me.. seldom has tt kind of feelings.. well if u noe what i mean.. it had been long since i felt tt wae.. but on in the otherhand.. i dint study too.. wasnt too rightful to sae i m disappointed in my result.. but still, subconciously.. still quite sad. n dun wish to tok to much bout it le
morning 8am,went to school for flag selling n the beneficial organisation is the NKF, yeap, u r right, the rich one. Many of those approached said NKF was rich, thus wasnt quite willing to donate for me. But still, had a quite fruitful bag after 2++ hours of collection.
then came the CO committee meeting.. discussed something about mardi gras bazaar.. abit about costumes for co nite 2004 n not forgetting little gossips here and there. we then went pasta mania for a late lunch.. It was an expensive one, i had country baked pasta. wasnt as nice as i expected though. dint really felt the pinch thus was quite guilty esp my sis was always the one saving on such good food.
yep guess thats all for today... btw.. my sis had flag day today too! NKF..rich one~