hmm. i feel utterly low now. the dae started so happily with yinjie offering me a piece of her cheesecake. den came hashbrowns at the "the wok" stall.. ermz.. den everything so smoothly during pe till science quiz. tt was the end. end of my light spirit. i felt heavy since then.

the heart sinks. u noe how it sinks. u can really feel its below somwhere close to the diaphragm there..

y did i feel so depressed.. i din went co todae. i felt guilty. really guilty. but i guess everybody need a vent somehow. den came settling the performance list for tmr. n eliza told me she dun wanna play sanxian anymore. n huangsheng insists on wanting one for hongqi. shuyi doesnt wan sub eliza's place for dr. n eliza saes she dun wan go up for concert? where m i going to find so many pepz to take dr n sanxian? n the yr 1s .. seriously tink they dun really shu(2) enuff to go for the concert..
okie even frm the co.

n even he is playing. he din reply me. so wad? i felt sad. yes i felt sad. i worried for myself. den he replied. i felt happy. n he ask such an ambigious qn: if a guy fren suddenly tell u he likes u n u dun like him. wad will u do.. its Weird? is he confessing to some other gers? i really told him wadi feel is my ans to his qns. he din reply me. wad is he doing. at least have the courtesy? den online. i asked him did he succeed in confessing. he said he dun hav the guts. he sae he dun even noe the ger. he said he only tok to her onceb4 he liked her. frm den on. when he liked her. he nvr interact with the ger le. wad a weird scenario n situation.its bothering. bothering to such an extent tt i dun hav mood to study for bio. cannot like tt le. tt time already bcoz of him no mood study phy le. i cant let my studies be affected anymore

haiz. i feel depressed. being loved is so much better den loving somebody. but nobody loves me. hey. i love myself. but. its different. how shld i sae lehz. hmm. i dunno..

HEY yuenling ar!!!!> wake up!!!!

hmm.. the day started quite normal? i had a huge breakfast.. haha roti pratas.. yummy.. den i went on to do my discrete random variable tutorial.. den joyce called? we met at the bus stop at my hse cus she jus finished her tutoring session.. den we were supposed to go meet weileong for lunch b4 moving on to find a place to study.. weileong cut his hair.. haha so short now.. abit bu xi guan.. haha..

well.. my mum told me cant go airport study lo cuz got terrorist threat.. hmm so we went library but we cant find a place! so we went airport staff canteen to study instead.. hmm.. din do much lehz. i only finish the maths tutorial n i got stumped by the phy tutorial so i stuck there tink tink bu fu qi den haha came in an sms at 8++.. haha is he u noe..

he told he bot 6320 at a price of 800!! my heart went ouching for him.. haha so ex.. he she de worz. he she de part with his savings.. but like he alwaes sae.. he saved the money for tt purpose of cuz he will bear.. haha den continued with a few sms.. haha but i tink i left him one last sms which i dun tink can reply one.. haha so he nvr replied me back le.. but still i felt blessed.. haha its alwaes like tt.. one dae blessed one dae sad.. like a roller coaster ride.. so unpredictable.. when u r low u feel depressed.. but when u r high. u experience the happiness of being on top.. haha

hmm okie i m suppose to finish this blog n den go offline le den cont my ideal gases.. yepz. i gtg.. nitez!
good luck to joyce mechanics test..

:: blessed. i hope i alwaes will be ::

hmm.. todae was co's orientation was officially held.. hmm even thou quite late huh.. its april now.. ahem.. but i personally think it was fun.. haha nothing too draggy too formal nor too lame? haah at least i took it a point to notice everybody's expressions during different games.. at least i tink i saw smiles on everybody's face.. ahah hu cant get excited playing the "ni guo lai" or clement's "u come here" game? haha i like it loz. haha =)
pizza was nice too =)

oh well..i told weileong n beeshin about it le.. well.. my better frens arnd me all noe le.. i guess i like to share my happiness with people around me.. n tts my limit. i dun tink theres any more people whom i wish to let them noe le..

well..no he should be at fren's house staying overnite for playing ps? but guys are guys.. cant blame them ..haha enjoy ur game. i noe u will..

oh ya.. weileong gave me teenage magazine todae.. haha free one.. he juz wanted the hebe door hanger.. hmm.. afterall even thou he is abit gu niang at times.. hes still a nice person.n fren.. provided he dun suan me.. hmm like clement? sometimes i do appreciate his crappyness.. =) its good to see while many pple are dead.. clement is still alive crapping thou maybe is becoz he sleeps alot! haha

:: how i wish u r by my side ::

i juz went to the nokia site.. took a look at the phone he wanted to buy.. 6320.. haha its much nicer den 7200.. i really tink so. this time he got taste le.. haha..

this week passed really quickly n its so fast.. i haven blogged for a week also le.. hmm actually i dun hav anything to sae about this week.. its juz lectures tutorials tests co prac n nites of insufficient sleep..
i m feeling real tired n miserable about life.. its breathless..

hmm.. but i got to go home with him for everydae of this week.. except for todae cuz he ponn-ed phy s. hmph.. notti boy.. oh i realised i m going to so many college productions this yr.. haha lemme count my money spent of peng-changing all these tings..

1) VJ funfair
2) AJ concert
3) TJ Band
4) TJ CCC

wow~..

:: i m left with nothing except doubts of everything.. n maybe a little memories of him..::

hmm.. was reading a book n i came across this poem?

Crush
Dear diary,

Oh joy, what joy is this i feel,
He smiled at me today!
I'd never thought it would feel like this
I'm walking in a daze!
I'd seen him a million times before
He isnt really that great
And felt like a dowdy brat
But he smiled, oh smiled at me totally
Or did he smiled at the cat.....

Today he passed me by again
Without a change of face or gait
And just as i was rushing on.....
He shouted, "Wait!"
I stood as one transfixed
Beside the library dor,
My stupid heart started hammering
I was surprised he didnt feel the thumps thru the floor

He had to repeat what he said twice
Before i caught his drift
But when i finally understood
I wanted tog ive him a kiss!
He was twice as nervous as i m
And equally smitten it seems
He wants to take me out to lunch

But OH! Everything is just a dream!

Emma Theo

u left me with 2 sentences..

" everyone so sian including me.. n i hate my class for being so nerd"
" i hate my life"

bye. u din even gave me the chance to reply. i wanted to sae, i tink i dun really enjoy my life now.

i already told myself to maintain it as a crush. y dint my heart follow the wae i told it to go? y is it so rebellious n i end up feeling miserable tonight?

its juz a stupid nick of his? y did it affect me so much? " the challenge of love is unrequited love. but it isnt really love in the 1st place"
maybe i shouldnt get so depressed becoz of such a stupid nick. i used to get so depressed bcoz of zq's quite msg.. n i going thru the process all over again.. tts y i told myself to maintain it as a crush. yuenling, y dint u listen to urself? see.. u have find urself falling into a deep pit again.. n pulling urself up isnt exactly tt ez. u have to be cruel to urself once again..

the more indifference i m, doesnt mean i dun care. infact all the more indifference i m, the more i care bout u? y? because i have the need to protect myself. i cant take anymore of those falling n pulling myself again. i simply wun hav the strength to do so now.

how i wish.. tt i have nvr fallen in any kind of those pits b4. y issit tt pple miss those pits. n i aim directly at them?

:: i care even when u tink i dun :: :: no point saying all these now. i have fallen ::

its eleven past alittle now. i was just sleeping minutes ago.. i fell asleep while watching the last episode of "da nu ren xiao nu ren" n juz woke up? i could have continued sleeping but its becoz of him tt i came online.. w/o even realising tt its still quite early n tt not much pple could have online by this time..

i feel disappointed now. i feel nauseous now. i dun feel good.

actually. i could have jolly well asked huizhen or sin man for the maths s ans n how to do. but i din instead i asked him n actually waited for him to tell me how to do. perhaps, its juz the wishing tinking on my part tt he ll fulfil his promise. well, not tt i dun have the faith in him tt he will fulfil his promise but he mus be tinking right now.. well of all person clever ones in my klass i din chose to ask but i chose him? hai. i mustn be so ming xian. do i really wan to maintain it as a crush?

=) well, at least something happy happened ydae.. haha first time we had a sms chat.. not v much thou it was more about serious business.. but it lasted for 2hrs!. did he really tot tt i m someone hu sleeps real early? den ydae he shld have changed his perception of me la bah. slowly.. i m exposing more of my character to him.... interaction.

todae was tj annual sports meet. he ponned. i was so guai i din pon. sat there thruout the whole event u noe. wad bullshit attendance taking. i din see my cg rep or tutor around loz. hmm..but then haha.. alrite la. able to see ur frenz run.. n cheer for them is something wonderful i tink. spritual support.. =) but its been so hot thesedaes.. i kept perspiring.. eee.. how i wish i m in air-con classrooms.. like sec 4 containers..

hmm.. the medicine tt the doc gave at least helped me relieve the tightness in my head a little.. thou not completely but my neck nerve is still v tight! its not relaxing at all... maybe i shld not be here n continue to torture my nerves stimulation..

hmm.. nauseous.

:: wad is left unsaid shld be kept unsaid ::

haha.. i m in the hub now.. since my mum dun really wan me to use the com at home nowadays? hmm that means i ll hv more tutorial time n slping time..
okie i have to go for bio prac le. hopefully tonite i can online.

sighz. attempted to do the 1st qn of electrochem supplementary question and i got STUCKED!. so now i m doing my gp essay outline? haha.. dunno actually i enjoy doing that.. hmm.. maybe no need to tink too much. haven touch thermochem yet.. even thou wed got test n probability test is also on that dae? haha.. decided to forgo alittle of probability le..

anywae. i ponn-ed maths makeup todae.. wonder how mr ng felt? but i really feel tt it is useless of me to attend that lesson considering that probability is something u noe u noe u dunno u dunno kind n questions hardly get repeated. so y not i go home n rush finish my tutorials instead to leave more time for revising the test? well... after finishing gp outline later.. i promised to look thru thermochem!. yes.. i shall not break that promise. (tts a whole lot of definition thou)

lijuan gave me a pair of earrings todae.. is the big big loop kind.. quite heavy thou..cux i bu xi guan. but thanks!..

tmr got maths s.. hmm.. will zhirong go home with me again -_-?

:: i m blessed, because of u, i turn my saddness into something wonderful ::

my head is hurting again~ -_-
i din complete any tutorials.. all i do i stuck. wads so stupid. nobody to teach also.. when i dunno how to do i get pekchek. my headache comes. stubborn me. analogue? growth n development is graph n graph n graph. n maths s? i really dunno how to do lehz~...

i feel v luan now. the to-do list is in a mess. i have to study chem n mathstest on tues for wed? but tues i have got maths s? aiyah pon maths s la? shldnt bear this kind of thinking.

okie i shall plan wad to do. so my mind wun so luan?
MON - mths s assigment.. n analogue!
TUES- study test
WED- chiong bio tut
THURS- electrochem assignment
FRI- sleep bah ger~

:: plan, so u wun get agitated ::

hmm.. a new look for my blog.. cuz the "bear" on my previous background cant appear.. i also dunno y. but no matter what.. i m more satisfied by this new design.. see le v soothing i tink..

notti me.. have been going out recently and nvr do tutorials.. haha.. dunno.. i dunno wad to write le.. todae nothing happened.. juz that ydae nite conversation with J was abit weird? well.. he told me alot of things.. to the extent that i tink he shouldnt tell me so much.. maybe he is juz trying to let me know him better bah. wad a vulnerable mind he has after his first gal.. hmm.. dunno. i m confused now. cuz this is only supposed to be a crush. a crush doesnt bring misery.. n at the moment i dun wish to fall in love now. dun ask me y. i really dunno. i already have enough things on hand now.

tonite is NKF show. haha got mayday got energy. n i realised something.. next time if i shuang shuang wan to get a cd or anything.. i shld go chinatown to get those 6.50 cds.. haha..~

:: a secret is no longer one once told ::

haha.. i m listening to liang zhu while typing this.. so mind very soothing now.. haha.. i m in GP remedial!... okie la. tink positively.. maybe i go remedial le. den can jump to higher part of 50? or no longera C pls!
tjco concert is really coming v near.. so near until i tink v scary le.. but no time to lian at home?? oh dear!..
oh ya todae is good friday..passion of christ shld be full till cant full.. its a gory show. but i dunno lehz i feel like watching after being pyscho-ed by yinjie and lijuan.. but is M18! i m not 18 yet~.. but shuyi saes they dun check bdae one.. onli see first 2 digit of ur ic.. but well.. i tink this kind of censorship i mean the nc16 n m18 quite fei.. seriously i tink i will have the same reaction after watching passion of christ when i was 16 n when i m 18...
okie later going out if joyce theyall go buy tings.. joyce is buying penny cd..me need to buy yinjie present..chinatown n bugis? i dunno.. okie i go do gp project le.. euthanasia.. peaceful wae of dying.does it violate human rights? personally.. i tink if the patient is really suffering or in vegetative state n tt he is suffering.. i really tink he shld really be given the right to choose euthanasia..
hmm ... y m i toking about this. oh ya. juz finished the bodyworlds vcd lijuan lent me.. my sis sae was gross but i dun tink is? maybe tt explains y i m a bio student..

:: i m confused. i dun wan to fall ::

hmm.. was doing my electrochem tutorial halfwae den felt the urge to online.haha..
oopz i missed yin yue ri ji again.. aiyah!

anywae.. i almost had a chance of going home with J todae after s paper.. stupid zhirong tagged along.. haha i know this is zong se qing you. but ermz.. i need to noe J better so as to know him better? yah. dunno wad i toking about.. n on 31 i meet daphne.. realised i wun have the awkwardness when toking to her like when toking to juniors when u haven seen for long? its good. means our frequency match. she saes she is sick of jc life. wish to get out of it soon.. come to tink of it. no matter how stress jc life is, i haven directly tot of leaving it. indirectly i got tink of grad nite coming soon.. n activities after alevels la. but i ve nvr tot of really getting sick of jc life even thou yep it is super duper stressing. n actually it matters alot on how to plan our time..

mrs ng shortlisted about 9 frm the bio cohort to enter the bio med quiz. i m one of them n sadly i m going to disappoint her. i m going to withdraw from it.. too much stress is piling over me... n it will be at expense of jct n my teeny weeny bit of recreation leh. somemore i tink its too chim le. i not up to tt standard la. n it requires extensive reading n memorizing of termz. gosh! so i ll be toking to mrs ng tmr about this matter.. hmm

so malu-ating todae! i alight at the wrong stop todae when going home taking 72. i missed my stop!!.. ahah to tink i have been alighting at tt stop for close to 3 yrs le? haha. den i end up walking back to my stop.. all industrial area all.. so weird for an innocent ger like me wearing school uniform to appear there.. haah..

okie. i m quite happy todae cuz i took medication n my head not painful le.. juz hope i wun become too dependent on it ~


:: ger power her tears are for her sorrows, love, joy, grievances, loneliness and pride.. n the list goes on. tear is the female gift from god ::

still haven see doc yet.. i m slacking the whole dae.. woke at 10. slept again at 1. woke up at 4.30? pig. thats the only word to describe..

juz managed to finish prob tutorial.. analogue electronics leh? haha tink i will do other daes la.. do till qn 10 le still dunno if i correct not..haha better not take risk sekali concepts all wrong den need to re-do? haha.. dun take the risk.

i dunno wad to sae le. i m blank now. nothing for me to comment..

:: haiz. an angel dropz. haiz haiz. 2nd angel drops. no i have not sinned. cuz angels r frenz hu r willing to drop their life in heaven n alleviate ur sadness n listen to ur grievances. thank u ::

oh. todae was a busy day!... first came co meeting.. hmm.. yepz tts all. den we went bk to eat haha den i rushed back home for a bath den rushed out again to bugis n i managed to meet them at arnd 445? already v good le.. haah =)

todae yaya told 9 sis about her n jianxin.. haha din catch their reaction.. but apparently they got it right on their first try? hmm.. like me.. all are geniuses.. good gossipers.. den we went eleens house for the MISS SINGAPORE paegent. haha.. lousy lo the judges' taste.. haha .. den yepz. yinjie told 9 sis about vi n me about jeff? dunno feel weird toking to them about him. cuz everything is still unknown? well.. i dunno.. but it was still an exciting gossiping session..

oh gosh. realised i have been eating fast food too much lately.. so fat le still eat huh? shan eat fast food for next few weeks le.. esp when pe isnt doing any running for the next 4 wks wor.. hmm okie i shall increase my intake of fibre n fruits n vege =)

dear dear.. i haven touch any tutorials yet.. n plus ydae n todae.. both daes i reach home at 12++? no time to do tutorials le.. haha.. v bad. v notti. okie. tmr i shall do tutorials bah. shan be too ambitious.. juz finish wad the teacher will cover bah. too ambitious hurt myself n when my health is already failing me? my brain not listening to my commands? haiz. oh ya.. not to forget. i still have s paper assignments for me to do.. plus analogue.. haha did i mention b4? the subj tt i like i most now is physics.. haah come to tink of it.. some pple dun even wanna touch physics? haha.. okie n i shall finish my probability tutorials.. it has been dangling there for long..

okie my head numbing again. go see doc. go sleep. sleep tite tite. tmr wake up. jiayou.. jiayou yuenling..


:: self-talk is neccessary ::

rah i m so tired.. my body is seriously failing me.. i m experiencing headache everynite? everyday? haiz. worse is it isnt normal headache rah!..it numbs my head.. so half of my face go jiang1 ying4? haiz. m i getting a stroke? haiz. choy! but.. hmm isit migraine?hopefully it isnt.. i haven go see doc yet.. wad i can do to help myself is juz to de stress everydae.. but how? when everydae is so busy n esp when the school terms starts officially n tests n everything starts piling up. i m really worried about my health. i dun wan anything at the expense of my health. it feels so depressing to bear with such a headache everynite.. its spinning it hurts like hell. i wanna kick my head off!..

i went swimming todae.. it was fun! much better den land pe i tink. wet pe leaves me with a clean and cold n refresh mood.

den came phy s and SPCO concert.. phy s was alrite? was normal? juz tt the phy tutor had a voice tt jessica thot was mesmerizing n kept commenting on it. hmm.. n blud said behind me and zhengyi sat beside me! pity me bah! SPCO concert.. haha din really pay attention to it? juz knew tt the host spoke v aimlessly? unprepared and crapped? well i guess i can do better den her.. hire me next yr bah. i expect a good reward thou *_* not tt i din wan to pay attention.. n waste my 5 dollars. but i cant really pay attention with tired eyes and a dying head? n jeff.. cant u see i m dead? y do u still have to pin point on the fact tt i wasted my $5? ^&^&!!%%

realised tt jeff have been hanging arnd alot with us lately. or tt i m talking v much to him lately not online of course. guess he is too exhausted to online after reaching home everydae. all he can do is eat bathe ps n sleep. lemme recall .. 1st was the swiss cottage concert we were SUPPOSED to go? den ended up in orchard. 2nd was canteen.. met him in canteen .. den he asked bout my marks. haha wasnt v willing to tell him considering hmm i got same marks as him for chem.. ahah bu fu qi..! 3rd came tuesdae.. wad happen? juz knew tt he din s paper tt dae.. no contact. 4th came wednesdae co prac.. haha once i step into co room. we started talking talking about everything frm wanjun to s paper.. hmm.. oh ya. den he gave us a smiley face badge tt he picked frm the library.. haha .. i din wan it .. too bai chi le. lijuan took it.. haha.. (lijuan, dun try to smuggle it anywhere into my bag...) 5th came thurs.. wad happened? i forgot.. lemme think.. oh! he cut his hair. n i heard he cut it in Kampong.. which was actually katong.. haah.. den break? all grp went 7 eleven together.. did he talk to me? i forgot. but nvm. n 6th came todae.. whole trip to dover. he keep fiddling with my pooh.. poor pooh. but well. ravelled by my atonishing memory? haha.. but well all these sum up din make me too happy? cuz i wan it to maintain as a crush.. i dun wann fall in.. it hurts so much everytime it fails.

haha i m falling asleep.. cant tahan le. tmr still got co meeting..nite nite!

:: spinning round n round. hurts so much. save me ::